I've never had one of my novels reviewed. It's one of those things that will happen soon (in the geological sense), and I've been trying to prepare myself. Generally, I'm great at dealing with criticism - but reviews aren't the same as crits.

Like, when I totally pan a movie it isn't about me saying, "Hey guys, you asked my opinion and here are the ways I think you could make it better." No. It's about me laughing at what a crap job I think the final product is. There's no going back and fixing, no revising. Crit = opinion about ongoing project. Review = opinion about something that is totally out of my control.

I hate that. The lack of control thing.

Some bad reviews are so ludicrous that while they're memorable, they're easy to NOT take seriously. (See Maggie's "dog secks" review for proof of this.) Some are mean, or flippant, but some are thoughtful even when they're negative, and possibly also true. Or at least there's that little voice in your head telling you they just might be right and why didn't you see it or think to change it?

So I've been thinking about how I review things, how I make judgements about a work of art for various reasons. Last night, I was feeling melancholy so I put in one of my comfort movies: Kenneth Branagh's HAMLET. I watch it when I'm needing some beauty and tragedy. I just choose a scene and start. Sometimes I skip around depending on what I'm in the mood for. As I watched Hamlet say "time is out of joint" I realized that here was a perfect example, right in front of me, of how sometimes we hate things because WE'RE WEIRD, not because they're in any way bad.

Take Kenneth Branagh. There are a million and ten reasons to love his Hamlet. And I do. For this post, though, I'm going to be EXTREMELY shallow in order to highlight my point. So just look at him. SEXY. And when he speaks those words (I'm thinking in particular of the longing in, "what a piece of work is man" and the despair in "I loved Ophelia!") I want to die a little from nerdy, passionate bliss.

But. And of course there's a but. I have a hard time watching his Henry V. Not because it isn't brilliant. Not because he isn't amazing and all the other actors, set designers, etc weren't also amazing. I can listen to it, and his delivery of all the lines is stellar. I just can't watch it.

Same with many of Branagh's other roles. Some make me cringe for no apparent reason, other's I'm cheering for even though the rest of the movie totally blows.

Why?!?

The answer came to me one day when I was watching the totally rocking movie Dead Again. Branagh plays two characters in two different times.

1)

2)

I love love love the past life Branagh. I hate hate hate the modern day Branagh.

Going back and forth as the movie does, I realized the answer.

It's the beard. Seriously. And as I analyze the movies I like him in verses the ones I don't... it's always always the mouth. Not acting level, or writing. Not production value. Nope. The thing that determines whether I like Branagh is whether or not there is facial hair on his lips. With beard, dead sexy. Sans beard, muppet mouth.

Observe.

WIN! Much Ado:

LOSE! Random head shot:

WIN! Wild Wild West: (don't judge me! I admit the movie sucked.)

LOSE! Harry Potter: